During a conversation with a friend recently, I made a discovery. I hate myself. A pretty big breakthrough, I’d say. After all my years in counseling, I had not reached that conclusion until that moment. But why would I feel that way? Sure I had accomplished a lot, but I still wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life. I felt so much had passed me by and I couldn’t figure out why so much in life was still a struggle - still a fight.
IF I was going to be honest with anyone, I had to be honest with myself.
Looking back on everything I had been through, I found one common denominator in the whole mess. ME. As much as I wanted to blame family, ex-friends, doctors, and anyone else I could find for my problems, it all began with me. I made my choices, and my life is a result of those choices- conscious or unconsciously.
WE ALL DO IT.
Think about it. We can blame genetics for a majority of our problems but the main problem is us. We get in our own way. Addiction (to food, drugs, sex, gambling, alcohol), abuse, self mutilation, hoarding, etc. is all a way to either punish ourselves for things we have done, hide from our pain, shame or humiliation because of things we did or things that were done to us. We help others to avoid facing our own problems. We focus on other horrors in the world to avoid our own nightmares.
I’m sure the majority of us have read or heard about the movie, “THE SECRET” - basically it says if you wish it, it will come. That same mantra permeates the media:
FIELD OF DREAMS - if you build it, they will come
OPRAH – Follow your passion, the money will follow
Disney – When you wish upon a star….
But still there are hordes of people suffering while praying to God who doesn’t seem to answer. So we tell ourselves, it isn’t HIS plan, everything in time, or this is God’s way...
Do you honestly think a loving Father would want his child to suffer? Think about it… Do you want your child to go with out? How many times have you refused something for yourself, in order for your child (or even your pet) to have more?
I believe we were given more than just the ability to choose. I believe God gave us the ability to LIVE – not just survive – but we judge ourselves more than anyone else ever could. And, in judging ourselves, we punish ourselves. WE ARE GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT in our own minds.
I was uncertain about evil existing in the world, until this breakthrough. While some of it is still unexplainable, I think the rest of it is. As I said, we were given the ability to choose: we can choose to LIVE or we can choose EVIL. Notice that EVIL is the reflection of LIVE – the exact opposite. WE can choose to LIVE and accept God’s gift – a life of abundance, joy, and love. OR we can accept EVIL – a life full of suffering, self hatred, and poverty - all the while blaming others for our suffering. The choice is ours.
Now, I am not saying I am more enlightened than anyone else or that I am suddenly born again – or whatever. All I am saying is that we have a choice to continue on our path, or choose to accept responsibility for our lives. Whomever you choose to believe in or however you choose to believe – if, you choose to believe at all - you have to accept your role. Because no matter how much you pray or worship, it all comes down to you. Nothing will change unless you do.
